So the question for today is deep. There are many things I would love to say I would change but to be honest each of them made me who I am so I celebrate it all. Including the fact my grammar and spellingis horrible but it makes me ME :).
Physical: I start with the physical because I've battled my weight all my life. It's been the hardest thing. When I was young I was pretty slim. From what my mom and dad told me they would actually have to force me to eat, like pack lunches and snacks to make sure I ate. Then something tramadic happen in my life and I started to gain weight. I always thought my weight gain was due to the fact I ate all my Flinstone vitamins lol but no it's was something much deeper than originally thought. So when I got to high school I vowed that I would loose the weight and I did at my heaviest I was 210 lbs at my smallest I was 165lbs. Then I started to gain a little. Just recently I realized it wasn't about the number kinda lol more importantly for me...I just wanted to eat good, healthy and feel good. And that's my battle now staying fit and healthy. I weigh 189lbs and I plan on being whatever weight I feel good at as long as I'm eating good and working out.
Personality: I'm so not a normal person. I actually didn't find my niche of friends until high school. I found people that were like me. Goofy, strong, opioniated, random, loveable, goal oriented people. I am that plus more. My personality has been morphing over the years. I've been able to say "No" more,
I've also been able to appreciate the unconditional love that I have for humans,animals the earth. I'm very into spirituality and God and love. This path of finding why God put me on Earth is more important than money, cars, technology, clothes...it's all about soul to soul connections for me. It's hard though, this world and the way it's being run is not of God. It's very hard to stay true to what you believe in and balance surving in this world and just being what God intended us all to be. Ive always believed that I can create miracles like Jesus did, from a very young age. Jesus was The only person I knew of that was true to who they were and knew who it all came from. I believe that we all have the ability to walk on water, turn water into wine and heal the sick. People will say that what Jesus was able to do was all magic but I believe that The difference between magic and miracles is that magic is when you use your mind to tell the universe (God) what you want miracles is when you ask the universe (God) what it wants and how you can serve it. My personality will continue to evolve and change but one thing I know for sure is God and love is for me.
Background: Sooooo I mentioned previously that something crazy happened to me at a young age. I was molested when I was young. I can't remember the age but I knew that I didn't know what sex was. I didn't even know if I liked girls or boys. I do know that my option to develope my sexuality was stripped from me as a being. It was a family memeber that did it. One day after years of this I finally told that person to STOP! And I think In that moment I took all the power he had in that moment and snatched it back. Later on in life I did act out a lot I had pent up anger more so because I didn't know how to express my self, and sexually I acted out as well. Aka I acted like a slut And I slept with many many people (in my Blanche Devereaux voice) all men. I used to and sometimes still do wonder how my life would be sooooo different if at that age my innocences wasn't placed in someone else's hands. :-/ ughhhh but it's ok! Because Thanks to Oprah lol don't laugh I was able to pick up those broken pieces and mend so much of me back together. I've been able to be more aware of why I became that person I didn't like after that incodent. I realized that the reason I slept around was because I felt like that's the only way anybody would love me....I also drew that connection to my dad as well. I didn't but I did have my dad in my life at that time And the only way I knew how to get a mans attention, love and affection was through sex. I think all I really wanted in some ways was him to have been there to teach me how to be a man and how to express my love and recieve love properly. But later I realized that me acting out sexually was helping me love someone more or them loving me more. So i stopped being a little man whore and started to reel it in. Now don't get me wrong I'm not perfect I'm still dealing with my imperfections, but I'm NOT going allow them to get the best of me. What I will allow is for me to release it all. I do believe my environment played apart of the things that has happened in my life. But so be it. It's not my story anymore. And I truly get that my 8 year old self was suffering but I'm not that 8yr old boy anymore, I'm 24 or 25 shit I forgot how old I was....but I'm my age and I'm grown and able to choose to be happy and on a path that is of love and forgiveness and not hold on to any grievances I have had. So I will say that I am NOT this story anymore I'm done with this story of my past it's not going to be of any connection to me why because I don't plan on living through those experiences anymore.
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