Nov. 9: Write a love letter to yourself.

My love letter to myself is a love letter that has been written for many years......

Dear Craig,

 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 

 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 

 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1st Corinthians 13 4-7

That's my love letter and that will always be in my heart. 

Before I go on....

Before I go on I will like to say is that I love my dad and mom. All of my experiences is my experiences. It's coming from of place of how I saw it. Every detail of my life or how I saw it may not be the exact truth but it's as close to it as possible from what I know and remember when I was younger. 

Nov. 8: What’s holding you back from living your best life right now?

Resistance! I know now that resistance is a big part of why I'm not in the positions I want to be in my life. Resistance shows up in everyone's  life. It only shows up when your trying to do better or do something great for your life or someone else's. It has always been resistance there when I have tried to loos weight and bulk up. It's been there in school, I have always not truly done school work understanding everything because it's been resistance there. Anything and everything that I do that would better my life or someone else life resistance has been present. And it's up to me to say how did I overcome resistance today. 

Nov. 7: What do you wish your parents would’ve done more of for you/with you growing up?

I think the only thing I wish I gotten as a child from my parents is more transparent and open conversations. I don't know if it's because I didn't talk that much as a child or if I never felt comfortable talking to my parents openly about any an everything. All I know is that I'm trying to be more open about my life especially with my mom. So I think open communication with only love and understanding and advice is what I needed more growing up and what I'm seeking now.

Nov. 6: Think about your close circle. What does it say about you? Whatdo you provide each other?

Lol how great! The thing that has been the vain of my existence for the past 6 months pops up! I have lost 3 friends well at least what I considered friends. The past 6 months has been a learning experience. This is to Timothy.....Tavarus....and the one I didn't see coming Jayda. I will be completely honest on all three accounts 2 of them Timothy and Tavarus burned me to the point I have been broke....out at least $3,000 in combine with both of them. Life will throw you lessons to be learned and I think I got these lessons. I have learned to be more aware of who I truly invite in my life and who I call friends. Some of these people truly didn't have my back and put me in damaging situations. I've also learned to NOT TRUST ANYONE 100% I will always air on my side for now on. I will always ask myself how will this effect me? Why are they asking? God is this what I should be doing?  I have held my tounge to long . Y'all have burned me to my core I trusted y'all and have always thought highly of my friends my peoples my extended family. Smh to y'all. Jayda B. my trust diminished over business I will never mix business and friends together ever ever! I will do everything on my own. I love Jayda but I'm not down with her right now. Maybe one day it will be fine but as for now it would take her explaining her so called "business decisions".

Now to my friends that I know are truly there! The Three girls that have been in my life from the beginning Ebony, Britnei and Misha. I know at the end of it all yallllllll will always be there for me. At the core of me each of you represent who I am, want to be more like, and love DEARLY!! I love y'all 

To Daphne and Eboni y'all are everything I desire to be I do look up to y'all. I look in amazement at how two fly ass young woman are making moves in Atlanta. Y'all never stop. And both of y'all do it looking good! ;) 

What some of y'all taught me was that I was hanging with liers, thieves, stunt...queens (This is not you Jayda). It really made me step back and say you don't want to go down that road. I have always done self reflections and I have always believed your company is who you are. I had to clean house and I'm pretty sure I have some more dust to sweep off this porch.

But the magnitude of Greatness I get from my real friends has always been full of laughter, random moments frozen in our memories, LOVE, SUPPORT and LOYALTY. My inner circle may continue to get smaller but my heart will never. 

Nov. 5: Write a good-bye letter to anything that has hurt you. Dig deep with this one.

I want to say Goodbye to so much. Will they be gone from this day forward I doubt it. But will I work every single day until it's a lesser reminder in my life. That I will do. I say goodbye to feeling inadequate. I need to Feel that my just BEING is worth just as much as someone that has everything I think I want. I say goodbye to not being in that space of power. Holding my head up and saying to myself I am EVERYTHING that I am and I'm proud of it!! When we are in the midst of loss, or betrayal, or crisis of any kind, there is power in the words, "Be still and know I am." Truth can never be destroyed. There is no loss except in time, and time really does not exist. Goodbye to my yesterday's and goodbye to my future. The only thing that matters is NOW! Now is the source to which we should live by. My past and that future of mine has no relevance on what's happening now. I wipe my tears knowing that I'm find saying goodbye and dammit so many of us needs to simply say goodbye.....

Nov. 4: In a perfect world you would…?

In a prefect world, I would be everything that God intended me to be. I would be a modern day Jesus. So filled with love, compassion, power, dignity, strength, courage. Things that I'm striving to be in this world. I would be forever grateful, thankful and appreciative. I wouldn't allow fear to creep into my life. In a perfect world my happiness wouldn't be circumstance dependent. I think that the perfect world is near and approaching. Gods "On Earth as it is in Heaven" is right now. Everything that could change in the world is right now in this moment. Now if we choose to live in that space is up to us. What's true in the physical world is the exact opposite in the spiritual world. The more you have in the piece of the pie in the spiritual world the more everyone else has. The more you have in the physical world the less everyone else has. I want more pie for everyone. That's the perfect world to me

Nov. 3: What are your dreams? How are you positioning yourself to make them become your reality?

My dream as a little kid was to become singer like Luther Vandross. He is my favorite singer. I wanted that smooth sensual voice and have writing skills that evoked emotion and told stories about love. Then I realized although I can sing, I really didn't have what he had they star quality tone. So I then rearranged my goals and said that I could possibly own Def Jam and that was my dream until I started working at Apple and realized that I really enjoyed helping people own the skills that was presented in front of them. So that's when I said I will start my own Artist Development company. This company will be a company that allows me to bring together a roster of artist in a Devine order to shop them to Major and independent record labels. This business I call Seven88.

 In numerology The number 7 is the seeker, the thinker, the searcher of Truth (notice the capital "T"). The 7 doesn't take anything at face value -- it is always trying to understand the underlying, hidden truths. The 7 knows that nothing is exactly as it seems and that reality is often hidden behind illusions. The essence of the numerology number 88 is an analytical approach to business for accomplishing substantial goals.

88 is efficient at most things it does. It is analytical and intuitive and frequently looks inward for answers and consults its inner knowingness. It is generally good with business matters.

Building something that lasts for a long time is a natural part of this essence's approach to life. The 88 essence is especially adept at seeing things as they are without perception filters. It has a scientific mind, but also looks inward for answers.

Also lol 88 is my birthday year. But for me this business will be developed in a way that is revolutionary to the music industry. I want to become a recognized contributor in the music industry. With that will come skills, techniques training that I'm building upon right now. 

Also keeping a work and spiritual balance is a focus of mine as well so no matter what spiritual will come before work.

Those are my goals and dreams! 

What areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance am I struggling to accept?

Today was a day! Smh My car broke down.... :(. I saw a car ahead of me and it looked like there car was smoking then I thought to myself "why is there smoke coming in my car?" I realized it was mine so I jumped out of it and ran...I was waiting for a big explosion but that never happen lol. Buuuut now I get to buy a new car so that's that lol!!

So the question for today is deep. There are many things I would love to say I would change but to be honest each of them made me who I am so I celebrate it all. Including the fact my grammar and spellingis horrible but it makes me ME :).

Physical: I start with the physical because I've battled my weight all my life. It's been the hardest thing. When I was young I was pretty slim. From what my mom and dad told me they would actually have to force me to eat, like pack lunches and snacks to make sure I ate. Then something tramadic happen in my life and I started to gain weight. I always thought my weight gain was due to the fact I ate all my Flinstone vitamins lol but no it's was something much deeper than originally thought. So when I got to high school I vowed that I would loose the weight and I did at my heaviest I was 210 lbs at my smallest I was 165lbs. Then I started to gain a little. Just recently I realized it wasn't about the number kinda lol more importantly for me...I just wanted to eat good, healthy and feel good. And that's my battle now staying fit and healthy. I weigh 189lbs and I plan on being whatever weight I feel good at as long as I'm eating good and working out. 

Personality: I'm so not a normal person. I actually didn't find my niche of friends until high school. I found people that were like me. Goofy, strong, opioniated, random, loveable, goal oriented people. I am that plus more. My personality has been morphing over the years. I've been able to say "No" more,

I've also been able to appreciate the unconditional love that I have for humans,animals the earth. I'm very into spirituality and God and love. This path of finding why God put me on Earth is more important than money, cars, technology, clothes...it's all about soul to soul connections for me. It's hard though, this world and the way it's being run is not of God. It's very hard to stay true to what you believe in and balance surving in this world and just being what God intended us all to be. Ive always believed that I can create miracles like Jesus did, from a very young age. Jesus was The only person I knew of that was true to who they were and knew who it all came from. I believe that we all have the ability to walk on water, turn water into wine and heal the sick. People will say that what Jesus was able to do was all magic but I believe that The difference between magic and miracles is that magic is when you use your mind to tell the universe (God) what you want miracles is when you ask the universe (God) what it wants and how you can serve it. My personality will continue to evolve and change but one thing I know for sure is God and love is for me.  

Background: Sooooo I mentioned previously that something crazy happened to me at a young age. I was molested when I was young. I can't remember the age but I knew that I didn't know what sex was. I didn't even know if I liked girls or boys. I do know that my option to develope my sexuality was stripped from me as a being. It was a family memeber that did it. One day after years of this I finally told that person to STOP! And I think In that moment I took all the power he had in that moment and snatched it back. Later on in life I did act out a lot I had pent up anger more so because I didn't know how to express my self, and sexually I acted out as well. Aka I acted like a slut And I slept with many many people (in my Blanche Devereaux voice) all men. I used to and sometimes still do wonder how my life would be sooooo different if at that age my innocences wasn't placed in someone else's hands. :-/ ughhhh but it's ok! Because Thanks to Oprah lol don't laugh I was able to pick up those broken pieces and mend so much of me back together. I've been able to be more aware of why I became that person I didn't like after that incodent. I realized that the reason I slept around was because I felt like that's the only way anybody would love me....I also drew that connection to my dad as well. I didn't but I did have my dad in my life at that time And the only way I knew how to get a mans attention, love and affection was through sex. I think all I really wanted in some ways was him to have been there to teach me how to be a man and how to express my love and recieve love properly.  But later I realized that me acting out sexually was helping me love someone more or them loving me more. So i stopped being a little man whore and started to reel it in. Now don't get me wrong I'm not perfect I'm still dealing with my imperfections, but I'm NOT going allow them to get the best of me. What I will allow is for me to release it all. I do believe my environment played apart of the things that has happened in my life. But so be it. It's not my story anymore. And I truly get that my 8 year old self was suffering but I'm not that 8yr old boy anymore, I'm 24 or 25 shit I forgot how old I was....but I'm my age and I'm grown and able to choose to be happy and on a path that is of love and forgiveness and not hold on to any grievances I have had. So I will say that I am NOT this story anymore I'm done with this story of my past it's not going to be of any connection to me why because I don't plan on living through those experiences anymore. 

Who are you?

Hey everyone my name is Craig Upchurch. I was born in St. Louis Mo and live on a street named Ashland. I come from a large family that we all lived in the same house for many years....Aunts, Uncles, cousins, everyone. I Lived there for 13yrs. Before my mom got married and moved to Atlanta. Currently I'm going to school for Music business at Ga state but I'm thinking about making some life changes that will effect the outcome of what I know to be true in my life, while growing up. This journey I'm about to take you on is one that I'm nervous about but excited about. I get to learn about myself as a human and as a being. Which I believe are two separate functions that works together to make YOU. What I know to be true about myself is that I am all that people say I am for sure. Every bit of it is true and the reason why I say that is because I need to release my anxiety about what people think of me and just let it be. Now do I believe it all or take it to heart...some yes and some no. But I know that whatever your perception of me is, is your reality of me and all I can do is live in my truth. I know that I look mean, I know I'm not the greatest looking guy, but I know I have cute qualities :), I know that I have work to do on myself, I'm also kind, full of love, very grateful, a character, slow at times, funny to some, nutcase to many. And everything you label me as. But know I'm walking through this 30 day challenge open to nothing but love and all of what God wants me to be. I am Craig Upchurch and I'm hear to fix my life lol hahaha ;)